It's been a long time!

It's been a long time since I blogged last, I think I was only three months pregnant the last time that I blogged. Well a lot has changed since then.... I am now a mom, I have a little girl named Riley Grace, she is now a year old. It is crazy how time has flown by. John and I are in the process of buying our own house, we close this coming Wednesday! Can't wait it's super exciting! I wish I had blogged like I said I was going to this past year, there was so much to tell. Well I hope to change that and document as much of my life as I can. I'm looking forward to blogging again!

What an Amazing Day!

Today I went to my first doctors appointment, it was so exciting! I got to hear the baby's heartbeat. My mom went with me because John had a class for work so he couldn't make it, but we sent him a voicemail so he could hear it. Haha my mom cried. It is so surreal hearing it, I can't believe there's a baby in my belly. :) The doctor says the heartbeat was 156 beats per min, it's so cool. I guess people say the higher the heart rate the more likely it is a girl, I wonder why. Either way it's Amazing! I have to make an appointment for ultrasound next so hopefully I will have a picture to post. :)

Starting our new life together!

Now that we have a little one on the way John and I need to find a place of our own. John insists on buying a house, he says no apartments or anything like that, so this is super exciting. We have been looking at a few recently, we are looking to have our own place within th enext few months. :) We have found a house that we realy like in Wadsworth, so were going to be looking at it soon. I'm so excited, a place of our own, to ourself, where we can start our little family. John and i havent been together very long, everything is moving fast but I know for sure this is the real deal. Hopefully we can get the ball rolling on getting a house so we can get everything settled and ready for when the baby comes.
Speaking of baby... we get to go this Friday for our first doctors appointment! Which is so exciting because we get to hear the heartbeat and withing another four weeks we will find out the sex of the baby. I can't wait its finally starting to feel like I'm pregnant. lol. Haha John and I have a bet on who will end up crying at the doctors appointment... my bet is on John. lol. He's a real softy when it comes to things like that. Hahah I love him so much. :) I will keep you posted on the doctors appointment!

The honest truth

I feel horrible for even feeling this way, but honestly I'am so scared to have this baby. So many things have happened in the past year and a half, and I feel like everything is moving so fast. I don't mean to complain I brought things upon myself. I wanted kids for the longest time but after everything that has happened I thought that maybe just maybe I wouldn't rush things and take my time. But that didn't happen. Nobody is ever ready for a baby, and it is a lot of hard work and sacrifices. I have so many worries, will i be a good mom? will John be a good dad? can we make it through this?...
I have always tried to be better than my parents, and to make something of myself and I just want people to be proud of me for once. I hope that I can do this with this baby. This is the greatest gift anyone could have, and even though this isn't the perfect timeing, I'm going to make the best out of it. I grew up in a home with nothing but fighting and yelling and went through divorce. I don't want to ever put my kids through anything like that. I want this baby to have a loving home, and I want her/him to know that we love them.
I know John will be an amazing father, I just hope I can measure up to the standards that I have of what a mother should be like.
I really hope I can get out of this slump I'm in, I need a little more positive reinforcement, and I need to quit being so negative. Deep down I'am excited and I can't wait til this baby comes, the wait is just so stressfull, and I still have six more months. :)

Doctors, Babies & Hospitals

Okay, so I've been waiting to hear back from my doctor on whether they will take my insurance or not. Well after three weeks they finally got back to me! I get to have my doctor, which is a big relief, she's the only one i feel comfortable with. They have a family practice so my mom, my grandma, my aunts, everyone in my family goes to them. It's a father daughter, so it's super exciteing to have them. The only bad thing is that I will have to deliver the baby at Victory Memorial Hospital, in Wakegan! Yuck! I'm super nervous now. I'm not too impressed with the hospital itself. Well it can't be that bad because I was born there and several other people in my family and johns family have and everyone turned out okay. But it's just ghetto if you askme, not to sound rude or anything. I just hope everything goes well there. I guess all that matters is that I have my doctor delivering the baby, that is if either one of them are in town. It seems for everyone of our births they were on vacation! How crazy is that...

A piece of my heart

About six years ago, I fell in love. It was the first true boyfriend i had, I thought it was the greatest thing in the world. I never thought that i could live without him. I was young, naive, I revolved my world around him. I was so crazy in love. BUT was it really love? How do you know when you are so young what love really is? I think that no matter what age you are whether you are fifteen years old or sixty years old you can find love, it is always there, it is up to you to cherish it no matter what happens.

Love works in mysterious ways, it's like a poker game, you don't know what your going to be dealt with next. Love is not a joke, you must take it seriously and you have to fight for it. Even when times get tough and you think there's no way it can get any better. You have to fight for it, when you don't and you cop out, you may make the biggest mistake of your life, and you may say or do things that you will regret.

Take it from me. I was with my first love for five years. We gave our hearts and souls to one another. Something we will never fully get back. Our whole relationship was a battlefield, there were so many things that we had to fight through to be with each other. We even had gotten engaged. But I think that we both were so comfortable together and so afraid of other things that we decided to get engaged. Don't get me wrong we loved each other deeply but it was not the love we once felt for on another.When i accepted that ring i made a promise to him, i gave him my word, my life, my everything. I broke that promise. I let the dark side pull at my heart, I made poor decisions, which I regret. I let him, I let myself and most of all I let GOD down. It's not so much the decision I made to leave him, it was the way that I left him. I gave my heart away to another guy, who is amazing and I do love. But i live with regret every day the way i let things happen.

We were both immature, we needed to grow up, neither one of us fought hard enough for one another. Well I guess this blog really is an apology to the people that i hurt along the way. I have lost a loved one, I have lost friends because of my poor decisions. This is my apology to you. I'm sorry for my wrongs. I honestly did not want to hurt anyone, I just wanted to be happy. And I believe that we both are moving one with our lives, even though it was a tough time, we both have never been happier. It's time to move on and start new lives.

You lose love, and you gain love. It's up to you to fight for what you want, fight for love. The love lost will always have a piece of your heart, you need to save your heart for that person who is truely special, once you give it away you won't get it back, and the person you love will never fully have your heart that they deserve.